I sat in my car for a moment contemplating my reactions to this night. Did I make the right choices, should I have been more upfront about my emotions. My answer was such a blur, I couldn't even remember the night my head was so fogged up. Here I was sitting in front of my soon to be bought house in Miss. bawling my eyes out just because one guy didn't give a damn about me.. didn't take the time to care about my feelings. I pondered for a moment tears streaming down my face, I could hear the faint whistle of the wind between my car window. It was music to my ears next to Clocks by Coldplay.
I gripped my wheel titer and titer, the blood boiled in me, my tears coming down harder and harder, every inch of my body stood on end. I was furious.
" Why should I apologize" I thought, I did nothing wrong at all, and yet I tried to mend it by saying sorry twice... was I that stupid. I called and knocked and rang.. nothing...
I felt alone again, like I felt so very often. Sitting alone in my car watching the moon glare back at me with his cheerful eyes... I wanted to punch him so much. Why me.. why does this ALWAY happen.. first him, then him.. then again.. then him... then HIM again.. twice..seriously was I that blind.. then him.. oh then there was him.. then that one.. then was that one. His face so perfect in my mind. Like he was a painting, I could see it so clearly, a tear fell... everyone was routing for us to be SOMETHING... and something deep inside of me wanted something... so fall slowly back to the place I looooove to be... "in love", it felt so right.. everything was soooo right. FINALLY someone had chased me.. and then 1 week went by, then 1 1/2 weeks, then 2.. soon it was a month and my prince charming vanished before my black eyes....
A ray of hope... he was so beautiful, like a statue, a god.. his eyes soooo blue and inviting, his lips so soft and caring.. his hair was the most amazing thing I had ever seen on a man ever. My kmees weekend at the sight of him, he was everything a kookie and realy nerdy girl like me could ask for in a guy friend ever.. but my feelings then changed from friend to crush and soon my heart would beat faster ever time I saw him.
Things changed, I should have left well enough alone.... like right now as I write this. I'll regrate it in the morning.. but at least I got this off my chest. I keep to much bottled up.
People egged us on.. like we were ment to be.. but clearly it wasn't. Fate had a different plan and so I shall take my punch card of faith and leave it at that.. I take back my apology, I take back all the "what ifs" and "well it could have beens" twice now.. my phone was perfectly fine.. I waited.. and waited.. nothing. Like a dead bird on the road no one came..
Is it me.. am I not good enough for anyone.. am I just a lost cause. People may think I over react, but they don't realize how many time this has happened to me and how much faith I've lost in myself...
the moons light pours into my window like ray of hope, but it's gone. I'm back to the start.. it's quiet, next to the roaring sound of my computer motor, my heart beats fast thinking of him. My blood just raging at the though of him, when I saw him... my heart sanks.. like the titanic. My stomach gave an unpleasent turn... I wasn't having any of it.. I told myself, it's like crying over spilt milk.. I'll clean it up and get over.. but the stories.. the gossip.. I lost all hope.
I'm 21.. I've been through more shit then most.. what could a couple guys do... nothing I thought. This was nothing compaired to what was ahead. I could feel my face getting warmer, I knew I had to keep my spirits up if I ws going to get through this last year. I was still going to hate what happened, my heart plunged to the bottom of my stomach, but my only levey was my friendship with them.. and that wouldn't change a bit....
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
I use to rule the world..
Dear Summer,
Hi it's Jenna, hope all is well out there. I'm sorry I haven't seen you in months, I've been so busy NOT having a life that I just haven't had the time to pop my head out and see you.
Working 2 jobs is harder then I thought, but it's getting me money and that's my objective during your season.
I do miss my friends an awful lot, and the birds, butterfly's, the sun... oh make sure to tell him I said hello. This year I will be artificially tanning.. from a bottle. Oh don't tell him that, he isn't very good with that kind of news, however, I do apologize.
I miss your sounds; the water, birds, millions of cars driving along the highway heading to their cottages to go ski-doing and party, I miss the sounds of drunk teenagers, children at the playground, swimming pools and bbqs, bonfires, fireworks and concerts.. EVERYTHING!!!
Oh well summer, I did get to enjoy a little bit of you. I must admit if I did enjoy MORE I would feel really lazy and sit on my ass all day and play WoW. So I'm not tooooooo sorry I didn't get a chance to spend time with you, I feel a sense of accomplishment working 2 jobs, and loving them might I add :D
Compared to last year, I actually feel like I'm doing something with my life regardless if it's working part time at a movie theatre and watching my 2 year old cousin :D
Summer, I've hit a lot of road bumps this year... honestly this summer could be considered the worst and the best summer ever!! I've met tons of new people who's influenced my life, and made my once depressing and drama ladened life into a more positive and un-complex one. That doesn't mean I myself isn't complex because I don't think that will ever change.
I feel like I have so much to teach people about life, young and old. Everyday becomes a new learning experience for me and I pay attention to detail so much so that the littlest of things change my views, doesn't matter what. Someone told me I don't give myself enough credit, it's true.. I've accomplished so much in my life, I may not be a world renowned scientist, or athlete, or model but I believe somewhere along my life's path I've helped someone in a way that had influenced them.
Summer, this year I've been reflecting on everything in my past and seeing where I've gotten so far and what things I've done to change my path to head on a positive road compared to that dark and sketchy one. I think a light bulb has gone off in my head.. I'm writing, now that's sign.
My mind is sooo jumbled up and I have so much going on in my brain I'm finding it hard to figure things out, but I'm still trying to keep that positive frame of mind. I know people will get hurt, I know people won't understand, I know I'll hurt myself, make myself smile, laugh, cry, I'll be so pissed off I'll wanna punch someone in the face... but whatever the case maybe fate has laid my life out and I just have to run the course and hopefully my head will drain of my issues and everything will turn out for the better.
Summer, you rock my socks off.. thanks for listening to me! For someone who's given me a million mosquito bites and has rained mostly this year.. your not a bad guy. So have a good one, keep on shining and I shall see you soon enough.
Your friend,
Jenna
Hi it's Jenna, hope all is well out there. I'm sorry I haven't seen you in months, I've been so busy NOT having a life that I just haven't had the time to pop my head out and see you.
Working 2 jobs is harder then I thought, but it's getting me money and that's my objective during your season.
I do miss my friends an awful lot, and the birds, butterfly's, the sun... oh make sure to tell him I said hello. This year I will be artificially tanning.. from a bottle. Oh don't tell him that, he isn't very good with that kind of news, however, I do apologize.
I miss your sounds; the water, birds, millions of cars driving along the highway heading to their cottages to go ski-doing and party, I miss the sounds of drunk teenagers, children at the playground, swimming pools and bbqs, bonfires, fireworks and concerts.. EVERYTHING!!!
Oh well summer, I did get to enjoy a little bit of you. I must admit if I did enjoy MORE I would feel really lazy and sit on my ass all day and play WoW. So I'm not tooooooo sorry I didn't get a chance to spend time with you, I feel a sense of accomplishment working 2 jobs, and loving them might I add :D
Compared to last year, I actually feel like I'm doing something with my life regardless if it's working part time at a movie theatre and watching my 2 year old cousin :D
Summer, I've hit a lot of road bumps this year... honestly this summer could be considered the worst and the best summer ever!! I've met tons of new people who's influenced my life, and made my once depressing and drama ladened life into a more positive and un-complex one. That doesn't mean I myself isn't complex because I don't think that will ever change.
I feel like I have so much to teach people about life, young and old. Everyday becomes a new learning experience for me and I pay attention to detail so much so that the littlest of things change my views, doesn't matter what. Someone told me I don't give myself enough credit, it's true.. I've accomplished so much in my life, I may not be a world renowned scientist, or athlete, or model but I believe somewhere along my life's path I've helped someone in a way that had influenced them.
Summer, this year I've been reflecting on everything in my past and seeing where I've gotten so far and what things I've done to change my path to head on a positive road compared to that dark and sketchy one. I think a light bulb has gone off in my head.. I'm writing, now that's sign.
My mind is sooo jumbled up and I have so much going on in my brain I'm finding it hard to figure things out, but I'm still trying to keep that positive frame of mind. I know people will get hurt, I know people won't understand, I know I'll hurt myself, make myself smile, laugh, cry, I'll be so pissed off I'll wanna punch someone in the face... but whatever the case maybe fate has laid my life out and I just have to run the course and hopefully my head will drain of my issues and everything will turn out for the better.
Summer, you rock my socks off.. thanks for listening to me! For someone who's given me a million mosquito bites and has rained mostly this year.. your not a bad guy. So have a good one, keep on shining and I shall see you soon enough.
Your friend,
Jenna
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