it's daja vu all over again

I sat in my car for a moment contemplating my reactions to this night. Did I make the right choices, should I have been more upfront about my emotions. My answer was such a blur, I couldn't even remember the night my head was so fogged up. Here I was sitting in front of my soon to be bought house in Miss. bawling my eyes out just because one guy didn't give a damn about me.. didn't take the time to care about my feelings. I pondered for a moment tears streaming down my face, I could hear the faint whistle of the wind between my car window. It was music to my ears next to Clocks by Coldplay.
I gripped my wheel titer and titer, the blood boiled in me, my tears coming down harder and harder, every inch of my body stood on end. I was furious.
" Why should I apologize" I thought, I did nothing wrong at all, and yet I tried to mend it by saying sorry twice... was I that stupid. I called and knocked and rang.. nothing...

I felt alone again, like I felt so very often. Sitting alone in my car watching the moon glare back at me with his cheerful eyes... I wanted to punch him so much. Why me.. why does this ALWAY happen.. first him, then him.. then again.. then him... then HIM again.. twice..seriously was I that blind.. then him.. oh then there was him.. then that one.. then was that one. His face so perfect in my mind. Like he was a painting, I could see it so clearly, a tear fell... everyone was routing for us to be SOMETHING... and something deep inside of me wanted something... so fall slowly back to the place I looooove to be... "in love", it felt so right.. everything was soooo right. FINALLY someone had chased me.. and then 1 week went by, then 1 1/2 weeks, then 2.. soon it was a month and my prince charming vanished before my black eyes....

A ray of hope... he was so beautiful, like a statue, a god.. his eyes soooo blue and inviting, his lips so soft and caring.. his hair was the most amazing thing I had ever seen on a man ever. My kmees weekend at the sight of him, he was everything a kookie and realy nerdy girl like me could ask for in a guy friend ever.. but my feelings then changed from friend to crush and soon my heart would beat faster ever time I saw him.

Things changed, I should have left well enough alone.... like right now as I write this. I'll regrate it in the morning.. but at least I got this off my chest. I keep to much bottled up.

People egged us on.. like we were ment to be.. but clearly it wasn't. Fate had a different plan and so I shall take my punch card of faith and leave it at that.. I take back my apology, I take back all the "what ifs" and "well it could have beens" twice now.. my phone was perfectly fine.. I waited.. and waited.. nothing. Like a dead bird on the road no one came..

Is it me.. am I not good enough for anyone.. am I just a lost cause. People may think I over react, but they don't realize how many time this has happened to me and how much faith I've lost in myself...

the moons light pours into my window like ray of hope, but it's gone. I'm back to the start.. it's quiet, next to the roaring sound of my computer motor, my heart beats fast thinking of him. My blood just raging at the though of him, when I saw him... my heart sanks.. like the titanic. My stomach gave an unpleasent turn... I wasn't having any of it.. I told myself, it's like crying over spilt milk.. I'll clean it up and get over.. but the stories.. the gossip.. I lost all hope.

I'm 21.. I've been through more shit then most.. what could a couple guys do... nothing I thought. This was nothing compaired to what was ahead. I could feel my face getting warmer, I knew I had to keep my spirits up if I ws going to get through this last year. I was still going to hate what happened, my heart plunged to the bottom of my stomach, but my only levey was my friendship with them.. and that wouldn't change a bit....